On unmet desires…
I don’t know fully why I’m sharing this today… I feel like this is a “coming out of sorts”, like I’m announcing the fact that I am someone struggling with getting pregnant… which feels pretty vulnerable, even for me.
Here’s the thing, I feel like God is pushing me to be open about what is hard and not ideal. The things I can’t so easily reframe or put a pretty bow on.
Maybe it’s for me, for you, for solidarity… for anyone else who has heard the devil whisper the same lies into their ear about their life not being meaningful because they’ve still yet to bring life into this world. I’m not sure. I know there are people who’ve been waiting much longer than I have, and there are people who’ve received seemingly hopeless diagnoses, which I haven’t at this point. And while I may not understand the depth or the length of your pain or your wait, I understand the discomfort of unmet desires.
I understand the sting of what feels much like a cruel joke; being locked outside of a place you so desire to be, watching so many others enjoy the season you long for through a window you can’t seem to open.
I guess all I want with this is 1) to say that I relate, and 2) help call out the lies of the enemy so that you don’t dare live under the weight of them.
You’re not alone…
And sometimes this truth is as comforting as a hug when you’re scrolling through an app that is constantly showing us the highlights of others lives that look much like the prayers we pray for ourselves, that only seem to come to fruition for others.
Unmet desire is an uncomfortable place to live, but I want you to know if you’re also residing in this tension of the ‘not yet’; you’re not alone, and you are most certainly not without purpose.
There’s something about Christmastime and unmet expectations. This holiday season in December that tends to punctuate the finality of another year… another year without…
Another year wanting.
Another year waiting.
Another “maybe next year…”
If you’re like me, maybe you envisioned announcing your pregnancy at Christmastime to your loved ones… even down to the very last possible day, daydreaming about telling your parents that they’ll be graduating to grandparent status soon. Maybe you’ve imagined a version of that same scenario for every holiday and birthday over the past few years… only to see each new month turn over on the calendar. Only to push off and shrug off those daydreamed plans again and again, and again. Each month of disappointment and not yets, knocking ever so offensively against a bruise that keeps on getting more and more painful. And maybe you’ve even experienced the momentary joy of a “finally”, that faded into the grief of an “almost, but not quite”… and left you back in the discomfort of waiting and wanting, even more wounded by those unmet desires than before.
If I’m being really honest – I’ve wanted to be a mom for a long time, a lot longer than I admitted it to myself and others, but I’m not posting this for pity, to complain, or simply air my pain… this isn’t really about me. I’ll take any prayers you want to throw my way, but I have learned that this pain has purpose, and so does yours.
I know all of us are fighting different battles, and I also know deeply that my God is faithful and knows better than I do what I need and when I need it.
I know He (and His timing) can be trusted.
But if you’re in the same boat of unmet desires… the waiting gets hard and lonely. And because he’s a pathetic jerk, the devil likes to attack us where it hurts the most… where we’re most vulnerable. Where our faith is most shaky.
Right when we find ourselves doubting God’s sovereignty in our lives, the devil will line up his case to trap us in that false belief. And he loves to use anything he can find to attack our identity and our purpose. If you fall into the trap of listening to him, he will not only make you doubt your purpose, but despise the one who purposed you.
Know this: God can birth in and through you whatever, whoever, and whenever He wants to.
I don’t know why it hasn’t happened yet in the form of a baby… for you or for me, but I know He knows.
I don’t know why things that come so easily for some, can simultaneously mean decades of longing, pain, and grief for others.
I don’t know if there’s a capacity He wants us to have in this season that we wouldn’t have once those prayers are answered.
I don’t know if He wants our attention fixed on something other than bringing a child into the world right now.
I don’t know if He simply knows that the child He will one day bring is simply not meant to enter this earth quite yet… and to alter that timing would be to alter the entire course of that life God has so intricately intended.
And truly, I really don’t know if God does have pregnancy and children in mind for my future at all. I don’t say that rooted in hopelessness, just a little bit of realism and surrender that my idealistic and optimistic self has been wrestling to come to terms with.
Because I truly do know that He can be trusted, regardless of circumstances. Jesus, help my heart to keep believing.
Because I really do know that He is good, even if I don’t get the outcome I want.
There’s a lot I don’t know.
I don’t know the hows. I don’t know the when. I don’t know the whys or even the whats…
But I know WHO gives purpose.
And I know He doesn’t waste time.
And I know He has a plan.
I know He knows better than I do.
I know he placed purpose in you and I long before we ever took our first breaths.
I know that God-given purpose isn’t something you gain or lose based on your ability to procreate.
Our God is simply not that myopic.
He is weaving purpose in and through your life like He always has been. Whatever that may look like.
And this is important to me: please, PLEASE know that I’m genuinely celebrating with those of you who are pregnant this year and carrying this beautiful gift of life, I really am. Please keep inviting me to your baby showers, I will show up with authentically bodacious bells on, spend entirely too much on onesies, and I won’t have to fake a smile one bit! I truly love LIFE and celebrating the gift of it! Yes, it may also remind me of what I don’t yet have, but that doesn’t make it any less of a miracle. You don’t need to be quiet about your joy, for me. In fact, don’t you dare be quiet or minimizing about something that matters so, so much.
Your miracle is worthy of celebrating while I wait for mine.
If this is your story too, please refuse to let the devil whisper his lies in your ear for another second. Do not entertain his lies for another single second.
If it’s not your story, I’d be willing to bet you relate to the tension of unmet desire, too. I think we all do, because it’s so very human. And I want all of us to know – I think that unmet desire may be one of God’s favorite art mediums to work with.
I think He gets excited to see where He can show off in our waiting and wanting… I think the discomfort of waiting and wanting leads to some of His very best work.
So, yet again we collectively hand over our misshapen pieces of clay to the potter… trusting Him to mold and make and take as much time as He wants to.
We simply let the painter paint.
Let Him linger on areas He may need to, letting every layer dry, for every single detail to take formation… for His masterpiece to never be rushed by an impatient or stubborn canvas.
We can surrender the details… an apprentice should never micromanage the master.
We know He is good.
We know He does good.
We know He cares about OUR good.
We can trust Him.
Even in the waiting and the wanting.
Even in our deepest unmet desires.
Another year without a baby, another year without a dream, another year without a husband, a home, a job, or a goal… another year without _____, doesn’t mean another year without purpose.
Your life is so purposed, right here, right now.
Dare to believe it.
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